Marie's 5 Bite Journal

Well! I started the 5BD yesterday and I must say, it was much easier than I remember it being! I was expecting the first 3 days to be torture, but surprisingly I wasn't very hungry. Drinking lots of water definitely helps.

As I mentioned in my intro post, I do best if I eat the same foods repeatedly, so I have a feeling this journal will get a bit boring Right now I plan on living off of Pop Tarts, frozen burritos, and these homemade "pizzas" I make. Pizza is one of my favorite foods, and the thought that I can eat it every day for less than 150 calories per serving, well, life can't get much better than that! Basically I take 4 tbsp flour (100 calories) and combine with 3 tbsp water, a dash of salt, and a dash of garlic powder. I spread the dough onto a non-stick pan (I don't use Pam or anything, just straight in the pan) and cook over medium heat for a few minutes until dough is brown on the bottom. Flip. Spread with 2 tbsp tomato sauce (20 calories) and one tbsp parmesan cheese (20 calories). Continue cooking another few minutes until the bottom has browned. Serve. How easy is that?! When I make this for my fiance I usually double the amount of dough I use and coat the pan with oil so he gets a nice fried crust. He also likes it with shredded cheese on top as well, as do I, but the 5 bite recipe I posted above has far fewer calories and is really delicious even without the extra cheese and oil. Let me know if any of you guys try it out

So yesterday's intake was as follows:
Breakfast: none (0)
Lunch: 5 bite pizza (140)
Dinner: Bean and cheese burrito w hot sauce (260)
TOTAL: 400 calories

I'm trying to figure out the timing of my meals. I initially planned on eating at noon and 6pm. When I did the diet before it helped having set meal times; if it wasn't a meal time I wasn't allowed to eat. Forcing that structure on myself seemed to take the choice away, so I couldn't make a bad choice. For someone like me who has a very all or nothing approach to food, this worked remarkably well. Yesterday I ate my pizza at noon but didn't get to eat dinner until around 8. I did start feeling hungry around 5 or so but it was very manageable, and by 6:30 the hunger was completely gone. After I ate my burrito I wasn't hungry, but neither was I full. A little while afterward my fiance made himself a huge plate of eggs with ketchup (YUM!) and offered me "some bites," but I thought about it and realized I wasn't actually hungry, so I declined. He didn't press. I ended up not going to sleep until around 2am last night, and I think because I had dinner a bit later it prevented me from wanting a midnight snack.

Right now it's a little after 1pm and I haven't eaten yet. I was planning on eating at noon, but I got caught up in a project and even though I could eat, I'm not ravenously hungry. Do I eat now to try to keep my body on a schedule, or do I wait until I'm truly hungry? If I wait until I'm hungry, will a 5 bite meal be enough to satisfy me? I'm really torn between sticking to strict meal times and eating when I'm hungry. Perhaps until I reset my hungerstat, it's best not to trust my stomach and just eat as close to on schedule as I can. Perhaps I'll set a rule that I can't eat lunch until noon Or Later, and dinner can't be until 6 Or Later. Do any of you have similar rules for when you eat?

Talking about food is starting to make me hungry I'm going to go make a 5 bite pizzza for lunch. Dinner will most likely me a strawberry pop tart, so my total estimated calories for the day is projected at 340. I know calories don't matter on the 5BD, but honestly I've been counting them for years and it gives me a sense of security when I do. I'd like to break out of the habit of counting calories, but for now it's a bit of a safety net.

By the way, how do you count bites of french fries? I take really small bites naturally, and I like to take the equivalent of 5 bites and then break it down into really small nibbles so I get to prolong the flavor of my food. My fiance said he might make some baked french fries tonight (I LOVE potatoes) and I'm considering having some with him, but I don't want to undereat and I certainly don't want to overeat. I don't have a food scale or else I would just measure out 2.8 ounces (the weight of a Snickers bar) and call it a day. Do I just eat only 5 french fries? Somehow that doesn't seem right. Maybe I'll just have that pop tart after all.

-marie-

Welcome marie I do the same rules on the times I eat and it works for me. I have Ben all Or nothing in the past as well for the bites and prolonging them. I do better if I just eat them and move on so on the fry's I would have a few in my fingers and bite off a 1" by 1" chunk thats about what u get if u cut a 2 once Snickers into 5 peace I don't think a scale works because 2 once of Snickers is a different volume then say 2 once pop corn that is my take on it hope it helps and good luck

Hey Dmac, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. You're right about wanting my stomach to adjust to a certain volume of food and not just a certain weight of food; from what I understand, that's the only way I'll be able to fix my broken hungerstat I get your point on the fries, but honestly I don't know if I have the willpower yet to take the appropriate sized bites. Because a "bite" is such a vague measurement, I think it would be easy for me to cheat and take mouthfuls that I know are too big. Especially when my fiance makes his homemade fries.... *drool*... Once my appetite is fully under control I'm going to try your suggestion so that I can indulge in a wider variety of foods. For now, because this is only my second day and I'm experiencing a bit of hunger, I'll probably just stick to pre-portioned foods so that I can't cheat myself.

Thanks again for replying

-marie-

Hey Marie,

I eat at 2pm and then at 7pm. I have two children and it makes it a challange not to want to snack when I give them somehthing. So far, things have been ok. I have been trying to stick with just a bar or something small for lunch and then 5 bites of whatever I make for dinner. Like you, fries are a problem, so I just have not been eating them. Lately my children's Valentine's candy has given me some trouble, but overall things have been great. I am glad that you have found this diet. I know that I say this often, but this is truly the last diet that you will ever have to be on. This will work for you if you work it!

Take care,

Readyforchange

Yesterday was day three on the five bite diet. Yesterday was not a very good day emotionally. I'm going through some very emotional times right now and I had No appetite whatsoever, so I didn't eat any solid foods yesterday. I did, however, drink alcohol. Alcohol is definitely my biggest vice. I am an alcoholic, I have been since 2006, and I think that's the main reason I never lose weight. I did go to rehab in November-December and did a medical detox, and within 24 hours I was drinking a 40. So booze is a BIG thing for me. I've committed to not drinking while on this diet, but yesterday due to the issues I was facing I just kind of threw my hands in the air and said "Screw it." Surprisingly, the drinking was controlled, which is a HUGE win for me. So I don't feel too bad about what I've done. As I said, I had no appetite yesterday so I made a conscious choice to replace my lunch calories with alcohol calories and had some vodka. I had planned on eating a 5 bite dinner, but come evening I felt even more sad so I had more vodka rather than eat. One thing about being on this diet is, booze hits me a LOT quicker, so I was fine with 2 shots at a time. I purposely only measured out 2 shots because I figured it's 200 calories, and a meal would be 200 calories, so I'd just break even. But then I went out at night and met up with some people who offered me free beer. As an alcoholic, I am not strong enough to pass up free booze, especially in the mental state I was in yesterday. So I drank 4 Bud Lights. Honestly I could have had 4 more, but I didn't want to set myself back too much so I just went home and went to bed. So yesterday was:

Breakfast: nothing (0)
Lunch: 2 shots vodka (200)
Dinner: 2 shots vodka (200)
"Dessert": 4 light beers (400)
TOTAL: 800 calories

800 is pretty high for a day, but I figure if I was eating calorie dense foods for all 10 bites I may have hit that anyway, so I'm not too upset with myself. Also, I measured myself this morning and I've lost 1 inch in my waist in just 2 days. So I'm hyped.
How do you guys deal with alcohol? Ideally, I won't be drinking again while on this diet, but if it happens, I want to make sure I do the least damage possible. Actually, had I not had those beers last night I would have considered yesterday a perfect 5 bite day. I know, I know.

The good news? I am right back on track today! That's something I've never been able to do. Usually in the past if I'd eat off plan, it would turn into a days or weeks long binge. But I want it too bad this time. Even though yesterday wasn't an ideal day, for the most part I felt in control and I am continuing to just do this thing. So far today I've eaten 3 bites of an omelet my fiance cooked for me (he kind of made me) and will eat 2 bites of french fries he's cooking up now. I'm kind of scared of the fries as I mentioned in a previous post, but I figure if he's going to make me eat I'm going to comply, but on my terms. Not sure what dinner will be tonight. Maybe a burrito? They're really small and only 250-260 calories, depending on what flavor I pick. And they're 33 cents each, so I'll probably be having a LOT of those in the near future

Anyway, I have to run. I hope you're all doing well and staying on track!

-marie-

Yesterday was day 4 on the five bite diet, and it was a huge success! After my alcohol-filled day 3, I'm kind of surprised that it was so easy for me to fall back into this way of eating after just a few short days. I followed my plan for the day exactly as designed, which was:

Breakfast: nothing (0)
Lunch: 3 bites omelet + 2 bites french fries (?)
Dinner: spicy bean burrito (250)
TOTAL: ?

I feel a little uneasy about not knowing my total calories yesterday, but I followed the 5BD perfectly and that's the main thing. I think I need some more practice with eating an unknown amount of calories. I need to prove to myself that as long as I stick to the correct volume of food, no matter what that food is, I will reach my weight loss goals as quickly as I anticipated. Now I feel truly ready to do that, as my appetite is completely under control. I had no idea it would happen so quickly When I wake up in the morning I'm not hungry at all and usually only eat lunch because it's time to eat. In the evenings I do get hungry about an hour before dinner, but it's completely bearable and I have no problem with waiting until 6:00 or later to have my 5 bites. My biggest (really, only) challenge will be desiring a taste of food that my fiance's eating after I've already finished my bites for the day.

At first he was super supportive of me starting this diet, as he knows how self-conscious I am about my weight. I explained exactly how the diet works and what it consists of, and though he believes that eating 6 small meals a day is the best way to lose weight, once I explained that I'm not willing to wait months to reach my goal when I can accomplish it in weeks he gave me his blessing. One thing about him, he has been lean all his life, has always been athletic and played sports in school- he's 5'10" and 165 of pure muscle. I mean, the man has an 8 pack without even trying. Even though he says he was overweight at one point in his life and dropped the weight very quickly because he was tired of looking that way, he has NO idea about the emotional aspects of feeling fat all the time. That's a feeling I've lived with every single day of my life for as far back as I can remember. So I guess he doesn't understand how desperate I am to follow through with this. The first couple of days he expressed a lot of support for me eating only 10 bites of food a day, but I think he's getting concerned now and is trying to sabotage me. I know he does it out of love; he didn't realize how little I'd actually be eating and is concerned that I'm hungry all the time (I'm not, though sometimes at night if my tummy growls it sets him off in a panic), and I also don't think he realized that I'd actually follow through with this for more than a day or two. So he'll cook my favorite foods and repeatedly offer them to me, knowing full well that I'm done eating for the day. Yesterday, for example, I was still very stressed and anxious and because of that I threw up in the morning (before I had eaten anything). He insisted that I'm sick and told me I'd eat "normally" for the day. Yeah, right I did indulge him a bit and ate the lunch he made, but there was no way I was going over my 5 bites even though it was delicious. Then last night for dinner he was a sweetheart and heated up my burrito for me. He also heated up a Huge plate of cheddar cheese fries with ketchup and bbq sauce and insisted that I eat some. Well I didn't. I wanted to, as I love cheese fries and they looked so good, but I realized that I didn't want them because I was hungry- I wanted them because I like the taste. And then I realized the great thing about this diet; if I still have a craving for them, I can eat 5 bites of them for my next meal. Problem solved! It's so liberating to not be restricted in what I eat. No wonder I always failed at diets I've tried in the past; if I have a craving for something I may be able to ignore it at first, but that craving will intensify for days at a time until I finally crack and binge. I love the fact that I can eat whatever I want now I might very well have some cheese fries later, or I might not- I'll see what I'm in the mood for. Oh, and as a side note about how to count bites of french fries, what I ended up doing yesterday was cutting them up into small pieces and loading those pieces onto a fork until I got an appropriate sized bite. I discovered that for me, two french fries is the equivalent of one bite. So happy to have that piece of information!

So my plan for today is as follows. For lunch in a few minutes I'll have one strawberry pop tart for 200 calories. Then for dinner, I will have 5 bites of whatever I cook for my fiance. Maybe spaghetti with tomato sauce and parmesan cheese? Let's see what we're in the mood for later. It's so weird to not have to plan out every single calorie anymore- I Love it! Although I will stick to having lunches that are pre-portioned and calorie controlled, I think I'm ready to start having more dinners that aren't so structured and just take 5 bites of whatever I like. I did Not think I'd feel confident enough to do this so early in the game. This diet is truly a blessing.

Also, I'd like to report to you guys that as of today I've officially started my workout routine! I'd like to thank readyforchange for inspiring me to get started sooner rather than later. Today I did two back-to-back Walk Away The Pounds videos for a total of 3 miles. Tomorrow I'll do another 3 miles, but I'll use different videos. I plan on walking 3 miles a day, 6 days a week for the rest of this month. I know how important it is to switch up your workouts every 4 weeks so that your body doesn't get too used to one thing and you keep on making progress. I haven't given too much thought to what workouts I'll do in April, but that's still quite a while away

I just want to say I LOVE maintaining this journal; it gives me that much more incentive to really pay attention and stay on track. Knowing that I have to report back every morning makes a Big difference. Like last night, I seriously considered stuffing a couple of french fries into my burrito just to get a taste. I mean, it'd still be 5 bites of burrito, right? Wrong. I knew if I did that I'd just be cheating myself, and I did not want to have to come here and report that I let a couple of sliced up potatoes have power over me. I encourage all of you reading out there who are interested in this diet or even already on it, consider joining this forum. Start a journal. Give and get inspiring comments. It makes a Huge difference having the accountability of a support system, especially when you're following a diet this "extreme" that most people in your day to day life probably will not fully understand.

Thanks for reading, you guys. Hang in there. We're DOING it!

-marie-

Your doing good keep it up

Thanks so much for the encouragement, Dmac. Wow, over 100 pounds down? That's crazy impressive! You must share some of your strategies with me for what you do when you're feeling not so motivated to stay on track. So far I've been 100% committed, but it's only my 5th day From what I've read, many people who fall off the wagon have an incredibly hard time getting back on to the diet, and I've seen (er, read) of people just giving up. Because I have an all or nothing approach to weight loss I'm terrified of that happening to me. I think that's why I've had to be so strict with myself from day 1. I'm only looking to lose about 30 pounds or so, and I'm hoping to just plow through this with no cheating. The only time I plan on going off the diet is when I get married in a few weeks. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be eating and drinking yet, but as long as I plan it out in advance I think I'll be okay.

-marie-

Hey Marie,

I am so glad that the diet is going so well for you! You will reach your goal in no time. You have such a deep core of strength. I am also excited about the exercise routine. You are going to start seeing some wonderful changes in your body when you combine this diet with consistent exercise.

I am so proud of you.

Take care,

Readyforchange

"And then I realized the great thing about this diet; if I still have a craving for them, I can eat 5 bites of them for my next meal. Problem solved! It's so liberating to not be restricted in what I eat. No wonder I always failed at diets I've tried in the past; if I have a craving for something I may be able to ignore it at first, but that craving will intensify for days at a time until I finally crack and binge. I love the fact that I can eat whatever I want now I might very well have some cheese fries later, or I might not- I'll see what I'm in the mood for."

--That's exactly how i feel about this diet! Keep it up you are doing great!

Hey you guys! Back again for my daily update. Before I give you yesterday's recap, I just want to thank readyforchange, bridesmaidslimdown, Dmac, and all you other readers who may not take the time to comment but who are cheering me on. I LOVE having this forum to come and check in! Reading your stories is so inspiring, and I appreciate that we're all in this together. I've worked in the weight loss industry (I was a Jenny Craig consultant for over 2 years before I moved to Arizona) and I would always see people who claimed to support each other yet would secretly sabotage each other, whether consciously or not. Spouses, parents, friends- you name it. It's like people feel threatened when they see someone they love losing weight. It means so much to me to have a place where we're all working toward the same goal and truly want each and every one of us to succeed. So you guys, keep up the good work! If you start to feel your motivation waver, remember how good it felt in the very beginning when this was new and fresh and the weight just came flying off. Remember how confident you were when you first started seeing your body change for the better. And remember that you can have that feeling every single day. Just stick with it

Okay, now that I've gotten that little motivational talk out of the way, let's review my yesterday. It was great! I can't believe I've already completed 5 days on 5 bites. The thing that stuns me is how I've truly reset my appetite in less than a week. I've read that it happens after just a few days, but I never would have believed it would happen so quickly for me. As I mentioned in my intro post I have a history of bingeing, and even though I haven't engaged in that type of eating since last year, man, I used to BINGE. I mean, in one sitting I'd go through an entire family sized bag of chips (13 servings!), 3-4 frozen meals, and an entire cake. Seriously, in one sitting. And I'd do this at least once a week, although at my worst I'd eat like that pretty much every day. I used to spend up $40-$50 a day on food that I would just end up throwing back up. It was disgusting and expensive and I Hated it, but I was so trapped in that cycle I just couldn't stop for the longest time. In fact, I think the only reason I stopped is because when I moved out west I put myself in a whole new environment away from all those old food triggers, and I was so happy that I was able to distract myself from those urges. Now I understand just how much I was stretching my stomach out and setting myself up for failure. You'd think after eating that much food I'd be full for days, but I'd actually be Ravenous the day after a binge day. After enlarging my stomach so much, it took ridiculously large amounts of food to feel satisfied. Well now I know you can do the opposite; you can shrink your stomach to the point where you need ridiculously small amounts of food to feel satisfied. Even though I haven't binged in about 9 months, I thought for sure that due to what I did to my body in the past it would take weeks for my hungerstat to reset. I feel so lucky that the worst part's over and now it's smooth sailing; this diet really is a miracle.

Yesterday I stuck to my plan as follows:

Breakfast: nothing
Lunch: 5 bites pop tart
Dinner: 3 bites pizza + 2 bites french fries

Notice how I didn't track my calories? See what I did there? I'm letting go of those old diet rules and trusting that the 5 bite diet works perfectly all on its own. Even though I exercised yesterday (3 mile walk) I did not notice any increase in appetite. The only time I felt hungry yesterday was right before it was time to eat dinner, which was normal and completely manageable. We ended up going to bed really late last night and my stomach started growling around midnight, but I actually wasn't hungry. It was weird. Does that happen to anyone else? My fiance heated up the rest of the fries around 1am and they smelled so delicious, but it was actually easy to say no to them. Also (and this part is big) I gave my fiance the rest of my vodka from Friday and though he asked me to join him for a drink I said no. I can't believe I actually said no to alcohol! Big win He ended up finishing the rest of the bottle, and though I felt a bit sad there's no more booze in the house I realize that I don't need it and I'm glad I don't have that option anymore. I felt fine on Friday with swapping food calories for drink calories, but now that I am into a regular exercise routine I need more nutrition. I need to eat instead of drink. I do plan on having some wine when we get married, but until then I'm officially swearing off alcohol. So no drinking for the next 3 weeks and 4 days.

My fiance and I also had a conversation about the 5 bite diet and what it means to me. I explained that I appreciate his concern for my well-being, but I felt he was trying to sabotage me and I wanted to address that with him. After I explained a little more about why weight is such a sensitive issue for me I think he's starting to understand my need to get this fat off as quickly as possible, and I know the 5BD is the quickest program out there. I assured him that I will not be eating like this forever, just until I reach my goal- and I have a precise plan in place so that I can increase my food intake to a level that will maintain my ideal weight. He assured me that he is not trying to sidetrack me and will be more sensitive in not trying to make me eat as much as he would like me to. I feel really glad that he has a better understanding of me as it pertains to this.

This morning I did another 3 miles worth of Walk Away the Pounds. I did a two mile Walk and Kick immediately followed by a Power Mile. I must say I sweat a lot more today than I did yesterday, and I loved it! I'll be alternating yesterday's workout with today's every other day from now through the end of the month. I especially like the Walk and Kick DVD, as I feel it toning up my butt and I just Know that by the time this month is over I'm going to see some major improvements! I did take my starting measurements, but I really wish I would have taken a starting picture as well. I started the diet last Wednesday and we made a video on Saturday where you can see my whole body, I guess that's close enough

The food plan for today is 5 bites of a pop tart for lunch and 5 bites of whatever I end up cooking for dinner tonight. Oh, and continue drinking tons of water, too. I'll confess, I have not been taking a multivitamin even though I know I should. We have some Centrum Men's Multivitamins in the house, which I'm sure I can take without any negative effects, but whenever I take vitamins on an empty stomach I get incredibly nauseous. I'm wondering if five bites will be enough to prevent nausea if I take them with my lunch? Actually, I used to take Flinstones vitamins, you know, the chewable ones designed for kids? They're really yummy! They say adults can take 2 to meet our nutritional needs, and they actually never gave me nausea even on an empty stomach. I have to go to the store in a couple of days to get a few things, I'll look for them then.

Sorry I always write the longest posts, I just feel so positive about everything and want to share it with you guys. Keep up the good work. Remember: We're Doing It!

-marie-

Yesterday was day 6 on the 5 bite diet. My food went great, exactly as planned. I had:

Breakfast: nothing
Lunch: 5 bites pop tart
Dinner: 5 bites egg and bbq sauce sandwich (so good!)

For some reason yesterday I was very cranky and all I wanted to do was eat. It was weird, I wasn't hungry and I wasn't craving anything in particular, I just felt like having food in my mouth. It could be because I did a harder workout yesterday, but I suspect it's because I'm PMSing. At least I don't have any cravings. I'll continue drinking a ton of water; hopefully if I feel really full from that I won't have such a strong desire to eat. Usually the week before my period I eat like crazy for 2-3 days, and then I lose my appetite for 2-3 days. Today I don't feel nearly as cranky; hopefully I won't think about food as much as I did yesterday. I'm very proud that I didn't go off track.

This morning I did 3 miles (Walk Away the Pounds) and I really enjoyed it. I definitely feel it in my arms and shoulders, even though I'm not yet using the weights like they do in the video. After my workout I went to the store and bought Gummy vitamins. I felt bad because all the vitamins at the store had gelatin and I'm a vegetarian, but I figure if I have to get something I might as well get the ones that taste good. And oh my goodness, do they taste good! They're the Dollar General brand, just 4 bucks for a 30 day supply. And the bottle says clearly that adults and children age 4 and over should take 2 a day, so I know I'm meeting my needs. I haven't eaten yet and so far I don't feel any nausea after taking them, so I might have my vitamins for breakfast. They're definitely a treat
I also realized that yesterday was the first day I got in a sufficient amount of high quality protein. Again, as a vegetarian I do feel pretty limited in that, as the only good sources of protein I eat consistently are eggs, peanut butter, and (to a lesser extent) cheese. It's not that I'm a fussy eater (actually, I love food and I'll eat anything that's not meat), it's just that we're on a pretty tight budget and eggs and peanut butter are super cheap around here. I also love cottage cheese and plain lowfat yogurt, but as my fiance isn't really fond of those I don't buy them because I feel it's a waste just to get them for me.. I'll try to make a concerted effort to get more protein into my day. Mmm, just typing "peanut butter" has given me a craving for it I think today for lunch I'll have homemade flatbread with peanut butter, and dinner will be 5 bites of whatever I end up cooking.

I don't yet see a difference in the mirror, even though my fiance says he does. Some days I'll look and think I look more slender, and then just a few hours later I'll look again and I'm as big as ever. I think I have body dysmorphic disorder. Even though I know that I'm not at my heaviest weight anymore, even though I know that I've gone from a size 14 to a size 7, I still see myself at my heaviest weight. So really, I'll just have to rely on the tape measure, as I can't see it for myself. I can't wait to measure on Thursday morning and post my results! When I went to the store as I was walking up to the glass door I looked up and noticed my reflection and I though, Hmm, I look pretty good! I had just worked out and was still in short shorts and a Danskin tank top. See, it's weird, when I catch myself in a reflection I think I look good, but I hate looking at myself in mirrors. Weird, I know.

Well I'm off to make some bread and have some lunch. Keep up the good work, you guys

-marie-

That's how you do it yesterday when u felt cranky and like eating something u didn't way to go u said u used to do big binges and haven't for 9 months got any advice on how to stay away from binging other than moving?

Wow, I can't believe I completed 7 days on the 5 bite dite! I really thought it would be so much harder than this. I know that right now it's still new and exciting so it's easy to stay focused, but I'm really convinced that I can just rock this out until I get to where I want to be. Last night I went to bed late again and felt like eating right before I fell asleep, but I just kept on thinking to myself that I've done so many consecutive days on track so why go off track now? I was able to stick to my food plan perfectly:

Breakfast: multivitamins
Lunch: 5 bites peanut butter on flatbread
Dinner: 5 bites egg and bbq sauce sandwich

I've noticed the last couple of nights that after I'm done with my 5 bites of dinner I don't want to stop eating. Luckily I make only enough for half a sandwich which is a perfect 5 bites, so I'm not able to keep going. I'm not sure if I'm feeling tempted after dinner because of my hormones, because I'm working out more, or because my dinner's just been so darn good lately Seriously, it's just a boiled egg chopped up and mixed with a tbsp of bbq sauce on garlic flatbread that I make from scratch, but I swear it's addictive. I'm going to try to have something else for dinner tonight and see if that helps to eliminate temptation. Even though I've been feeling a desire to keep eating these last couple of nights it's NOTHING like the tempation I used to have before I started this diet. I feel so much more in control of my food intake.

I have No idea what I want to eat today; I'm kind of leaning toward a pop tart and homemade cheesy bread, but I really think I should be getting in more protein than that would give me so we'll see. This morning I woke up much earlier than usual and got in my 3 miles of exercise, as well as my multivitamins. Tomorrow I'll be taking my measurements and posting them along with a recap of today. I work from home so I usually just wear pajamas and sweats around the house. We hardly ever go out, so I rarely wear clothes that allow me to gauge my progress. It will be really interesting to see my progress after just one week. I'm used to judging my progress based on the scale so I'm not really sure what to expect for inches lost in a week.

Dmac, thanks so much for the encouragement! You asked a really good question about what I did to get my binges under control. Of course I'm no expert, and even though I have worked in the weight loss industry with clients who had a history of bingeing, most "expert" recommendations that we've tried have not worked. Personally, the single biggest thing that allowed me to stop bingeing is not having any binge-worthy foods in the house. When I lived in New York City I never cooked- I literally went over 3 years without even turning my stove on. With the exception of fresh fruit and lowfat dairy, everything I ate was convenience food or junk food. If I was feeling in one of those crazy bingeing moods it was so easy to just pop a frozen pizza in the microwave, or run to the corner store to get a huge sandwich with chips or fries or whatever other crap I was craving. My local supermarket was only two blocks away, so I could literally feel a binge coming on, go out to get chips and cake and other binge foods, and be back home stuffing my face within 15 minutes. I had no impulse control whatsoever, and the accessibility of unhealthy food made it easy for me to give in to those impules.
Now that I've moved to the desert I don't have a supermarket or corner store as close by as I used to, and I make it a point to Never bring things that I could potentially binge on into the house. For example, before, I used to buy a loaf of bread and make butter and cheese sandwiches and binge on several of those at a time. Now I still have some type of bread just about every day, but the difference is I make it myself from scratch for every single meal, and I only make enough for that meal. If I kept a loaf of bread in the pantry it would probably be gone within 1-2 days. But now I realize how much work it is to make bread, how much time it takes, and do I really want to take the time out of my day to cook binge food when I'm not even hungry? 9 times out of 10, I don't. And even when I've wanted to eat extra, it's simply too time consuming to make enough to binge on so if I do end up overeating it's only by a slice. Right now the only convenience food I have in the house are a couple of frozen burritos and pop tarts, and I only got those to facilitate the 5 bite diet. I got them not only because they are cheap and easy, but because I don't like them TOO much, so I'm not tempted to over-indulge on them. All the other staples we have in the house- raw beans, rice, pasta, potatoes, flour- all that stuff takes time and work to prepare, so I'm not tempted to binge on them at all. Again, when I do cook I make just enough for that meal, or at the most there will be leftovers for 1-2 meals. Luckily my fiance eats a ton, so leftovers don't last too long around here Another thing that's been really helpful has been identifying my trigger foods and avoiding them like the plague. I used to always binge on Doritos. Almost every single binge of mine would consist of a family sized bag of Doritos- I associate them with overeating now. I have to avoid them. I have not bought Doritos in over 9 months and to be honest, I'm not sure if I can ever eat them again because they are such a big trigger for me. I think we all have a couple of "go-to" binge foods. Eliminate them from the house. Now, it's definitely hard when you live with other people, as of course you can't police what they eat. There have been times when my fiance's wanted Doritos, and he gets them. He takes some change, goes to the vending machine here in the complex, and gets a small bag for himself. He's happy because he gets to indulge his craving, and I'm happy because there's never any left calling "Eat me!" from the pantry. One more strategy that I've successfully used since moving here is portioning out my food and eating without distrtactions. I grew up overweight, my mother and step-father were overweight, and we never ever potioned out food. The thought never even occured to me until a couple of years ago! If we were watching a movie, for example, my mother would get a pint of ice cream and a spoon and eat straight from the carton, or I would heat up a multi-serving bag of popcorn and eat straight from the bag. We'd be so wrapped up in the movie that before we knew it all the food was gone and we'd eaten way more than we needed to. So on the RARE occassions when I do bring junk food into the house now (usually because my fiance wants it and it's cheaper to buy family size than single serving) if I want to indulge I Always measure out a serving and put the rest away. Also, I never eat binge-worthy food while I'm distracted. I haven't owned a TV in over 5 years, but whenever I binged I'd always put on a TV show or movie on my laptop and zone out to that while eating and eating and eating. Now if I'm going to allow myself an unhealthy treat I turn off all the distractions and sit down to eat properly. I notice that I really enjoy my food a lot more this way because I actually taste it, and I'm able to recognize when I'm not hungry anymore.
I hope you'll think about trying some of the strategies that have helped me stop the binge cycle. Again, I'm not an expert and I can't promise that doing these things will work for you, but honestly I don't think I personally would have been able to stop bingeing had I not implemented these techniques. Again, if the food isn't easily available you can't binge on it. I really hope that helps

-marie-

My laptop broke last night so I can't spend too much time on the forum until it's fixed, but I wanted to post my daily update. Yesterday was another perfect 5 bit day:

Breakfast: multivitamins
Lunch: 5 bites homemade cheesy bread
Dinner: 5 bites potato and egg with ketchup

I felt really full after dinner last night; I'll definitely be making that meal again when I find myself feeling hungry. I've also found that taking these multivitamins in the morning leaves me hungrier for lunch sooner than usual, but it's very tolerable. I really look forward to my gummy vitamins in the mornings

I took my measurements this morning and I am STUNNED!

03-03-11: 35-27-35
03-10-11: 34-25-34

I can't believe I lost 4 inches in one week! I knew I was bloated from too much beer before I started the 5bd but that's insane! I'm so happy! I can't wait to measure again next Thursday. I know I won't lose that much every week but this is just another bit of motivation to keep going.

Today I had to go across town, and rather than taking the bus I decided to skip my workout DVD and walk there instead. So instead of doing a 3 mile walk DVD I ended up walking for 6 miles outside. I'm very happy with that choice, though I look forward to doing my Leslie Sansone workout tomorrow. Oh, I also wore a pair of slacks today that I hadn't worn since December. At that time they fit but I had an awful muffin top and could only wear them with big shirts in an attempt to cover it up. Imagine my delight when I pulled them on this morning and found they fit perfectly- not a bulge in sight

I've noticed that these past few days my energy is rather low. Even though I'm taking a multivitamin and being careful to get in good quality protein as well as carbs, I'm tired all the time. In all fairness I'm going though a lot of stress right now and I'm not sleeping well at all, so I don't think my low energy is due to the diet. However, I've decided to allow myself up to one Lo-Carb Monster energy drink per day. Each can is only 20 calories so I don't feel guilty about adding it at all, especially as black coffee makes my stomach upset and tea doesn't provide me with enough caffeine to notice a difference. I won't be having a can every day, just on the days when I feel I need an extra pick-me-up.

Not sure yet what the food plan is for today, but I don't see any reason why I won't be able to stick perfectly to 5+5. Hope you guys are doing great. Until next time,

-marie-

Thanks fur all that advice I will definitely be using them u also said u had a plan for your maintenance when u r dun loosing is it the undistracted eating ? That u will do or do u have other plans for that. And congratulations on those inches lost that's awesome

Hi Marie,

You might think about taking your vitamins WITH lunch, rather than Instead Of Breakfast.

They sit easier on the stomach when taken with food, for one thing. They also would tend to "break-the-fast" level of ketones the Doc recommends, earlier than he recommends.

Peace, Marc

Hey y'all! Back for another daily update. My laptop has been fixed but I am behind on work so I still don't have too much free time to browse, yet I like the routine of coming on here every morning and posting what I've been up to.
Dmac, you must let me know how it goes if you try some of the strategies I use for preventing binges. Undistracted eating definitely has to be a part of my life indefinitely; just as easy as it was to shrink my stomach, I know from experience I can expand it in just as short a time and I never want to do that again. Unless I end up getting pregnant in a couple of years and have to lose baby weight, I have promised myself that this is the last diet I will ever be on. I like the fact that I am comfortable with just 5 bites of food, and I plan on eating this way even after I lose the weight. My plan for when I get to maintenance is just to add more meals. "They" say you should ideally eat 6 small meals a day, so I'm guessing that if I eat 6x5 I should maintain. When I get to my goal I'll start with adding a 5 bite breakfast and continue with my 5 bite lunch and dinner. I'll try eating 3x5 for a week or two and see if my weight stabilizes; if I level off I'll know that's how to keep eating, but if I lose more I'll add a fourth 5 bite meal to my day, stay on that for another week or two, re-check my weight, and keep going until I find the perfect number of 5 bite meals per day. So like the doctor recommends I'll gradually be adding more bites to my day, I'll just be adding them in the form of extra meals rather than extra bites per meal. I figure that way I'll keep my stomach small and my appetite low, so I will not be able to comfortably overindulge at any one time. What do you guys think of that maintenance plan? Has anyone tried it with success? Failure? All feedback is greatly appreciated
16Again, thanks so much for stopping by and the advice on the vitamins. I've always read that having breakfast is supposed to jump start your metabolism for the day which is why I was taking them so early; I never even stopped to consider ketones. Thanks so much for reminding me of that! I already took my vitamins this morning, but starting tomorrow I'll switch to taking them in the afternoon with lunch and see how that goes. By all means, keep the recommendations coming

So yesterday was Day 9. It was amazing, food wise. I had:

Breakfast: multivitamins
Lunch: 5 bites baked potato with ranch dressing
Dinner: 5 bites egg and rice + 1 can Monster Lo-Carb (20 cals)

Yesterday I didn't have too much of an appetite due to all the walking I did in the morning. Mostly I just felt really achy; my 6 mile walk was done in flats with absolutely no arch support so my knee was throbbing. Last night we also ended up going for a walk, and though it was only an extra couple of miles and I was in sneakers I was nearly in tears by the time we got back home. I iced my knee but when I woke up this morning I was still in pain, so no exercise today Saturday is my off day, so if my knee feels better tomorrow I'll work out then, if not I'll wait until Sunday. I'm super bummed that I wasn't able to work out this morning, but I know I need to rest.

Today when I looked in the mirror I looked thinner

I have a bunch of pop tarts that I need to eat, so I'll probably be on them exclusively for the next 6 days (unless my finace cooks something incredibly delicious- he's a Great cook). I'll still be posting my daily updates, though I warn you it may start getting repetitive

So my wedding is in exactly 3 weeks. I'm not sure exactly how much I weigh, but last time I checked my BMI was 23 so it's around that or a little less by now. Do you think I can drop a dress size by then? Two sizes? Okay, I know two is pushing it but this diet has totally exceeded my expectations so I wouldn't be surprised. I'd love to hear from all you ladies (and guys)- tell me how your body changed in your first month.

Anyway, gotta run. Be good. We're DOING it

-marie-

Marie you are doing an amazing job! I hadn't even thought of what I was going to do to maintain since that's a ways off for me.

That is a good idea for maintenance I think that is what I will try next I gota get. Back down first back to 5n5 for a wile thanks for all the advice I think its. Going to help

Hey you guys, thanks so much for the positive encouragement! For me, the maintenance portion will be more critical for me than actually losing weight. The thing is, I am very good at losing weight; I have been losing the same 5 pounds over and over again- sound familiar to anyone else? So I KNOW I am losing weight with the 5 bite diet, and I think I can lose wieght with any porgram (although I do find this to be the best and easiest thing I've ever tried). I want to stay thin, and that's the maintenance. Bridesmaid, Dmac, you guys are doing SO great too! We've got to get through these days and keep on planning, because it never stops. It sucks knowing that I will always have to be conscious of my food intake due to my history of abusing food, but I'd rather be conscious of what I eat and be thin and at my goal weight than consciousof it and be overweight.

Back tomorrow for another daily update. Have a good night, guys

-marie-

Day 10 was another wonderful day for me here in 5 bite land. Actually, I would say that yesterday was perfect even though I did not work out, as I explained in a previous post Although I did not do my 3 mile walk because I needed to rest my knee, I did wind up being more naturally active yesterday than usual so I guess all was not lost as far as burning calories. Because I was much more active than usual yesterday I was more hungry than normal by the time dinner rolled around, and I realized that a pop tart was just not going to cut it- I needed protein! So I modified my food plan a bit, though I did stick to the diet. I had:

Breakfast: multivitamins
Lunch: 5 bites pop tart
Dinner: 5 bites egg and rice with soy sauce

As much as I'd love to just stick to pop tarts for a few days, I am really feeling the difference when I have some high quality protein in my day and I feel so much better. I'll stick with pop tarts for lunch, but I've got to mix it up at dinner. Yesterday evening when I was deciding what to cook I was going through the cupboards and came across an unopened 4 pound bag of pinto beans that I had completely forgotten about. We also have about 3 pounds of rice in the house. I know what I'm having for dinner tonight! How could I have forgotten about rice and beans?! I LOVE rice and beans And because we're only 60 miles from Mexico and it's such a staple here the stores sell huge bulk bags for super cheap. I've also got some amazing hot sauce to mix it up a bit (I love hot sauce, too).

Yesterday because of how active I was it felt like my knee was getting more and more sore. By evening I was almost in tears again. I put on an arthritis cream (even though it's not arthritis) and that numbed it enough that I was able to fall asleep, but I did not want to chance working out today. Well, Saturday is my scheduled rest day anyway so I don't feel too bad, but I really hope I'm up for exercising tomorrow. As of today I've switched to taking my vitamins in the afternoon. I'm still not hungry yet, but it's almost time for lunch. I've been making a concerted effort to get in tons of water (even though I run to the bathroom all the time!). Rather than drinking from a cup I'm going to start drinking from a 20 oz bottle, as that will make it so much easier for me to track my intake and ensure than I am getting in the minimum amount of water needed. Why did I not think of this sooner? A couple of days ago I also got a gallon of Lipton's Diet Green Tea. It's so yummy! I really love plain old iced tea, but I can't even remember the last time I drank some as it's so high in calories. And I HATE drinking calories (unless it's in alcohol). I've read that green tea is supposed to boost your metabolism but I don't really like the taste of it when it's hot. The Lipton's that I bought is artificially sweetened so it has zero calories but still tasted delicious. I'll have a glass or two a day as a little treat for myself. I wonder if that has the same health benefits as regular hot green tea? Probably not, but it still tastes good

One thing I've noticed is that I'm starting to break out of the habit of unconscious eating. Before I started the 5 bite diet whenever I cooked I would always have to taste it as I went just to make sure it was good. Even if I wasn't "cooking" I'd always have to have a taste of what I was preparing- I'd lick the tomato sauce from the spoon after I ladled it over pasta, or lick the peanut butter from the knife if I was making my fiance a PBandJ. And not that this was SO many calories, but it definitely accumulates over the course of the day. I've had to make a really conscious effort to stop doing that. It was hard at first, because I hate to waste food- even just a taste. The hardest part was not tasting while I cook, as I always relied on my tastebuds to see how the dish was coming out. Now I'm starting to rely more on my sense of smell to make sure I've seasoned everything nicely. Last night, for example, a while after I ate my dinner my fiance asked me to make him fried rice. I make his a little different from mine, as I don't use any oil at all in mine and I don't use as many seasonings in mine, either. Now, as an old-fashioned woman it is Much more important to me that his meal tastes excellent even if mine doesn't (although I LOVE the lower-calorie version of "fried" rice that I make for myself) so it felt weird not being able to do a taste test before I served him, but just by using my sense of smell I was able to get the taste perfect and he loved it Also, as I was measuring out soy sauce, rather than licking the tablespoon as I would have done in the past I put it straight in the sink to wash it without even thinking twice about it. Only after the fact did I realize what I'd done and what a huge win that was. I know those extra licks and bites do add up, and I feel I'm on my way to breaking that habit permanently.

Okay you guys, I'm going to go make lunch and start cooking those beans for dinner. I know the weekend is hard for a lot of people but just stay strong! Remember, our bodies don't know what day of the week it is. Our bodies just know that it feels right to eat 5 bites at a time. Why should we let our minds trick us into thinking that it's the weekend and so now it's all of the sudden harder somehow? Let's keep up the great progress we've been making all week. Our bodies will thank us

-marie-

That is a great point about our bodies not knowing what day it is. U are doing great

You know what I love about keeping this journal? Every day I'm on this diet I learn something new about me, the things that keep me successful, and the things that may be my downfall. I kept a food journal for a couple of years (up until I moved to AZ) but I only tracked what I ate and my total calories consumed. If I was feeling super strict I'd also track my water intake and exercise, but that was the extent of it. Tracking my calories was a good tool for explaining why I was gaining or losing, but it did nothing to help me better understand the more important things. I love coming here and finding something new to post.
Before I forget, yesterday was Day 11 and it went great, exactly as planned.

Breakfast: nothing
Lunch: 5 bites pop tart + multivitamins
Dinner: 5 bites rice and beans + Lo-Carb Monster energy drink

The rice and beans came out So Good! I cooked the beans for about 3 hours and added some amazing spices- seasoned salt, garlic, onion, chili powder, and even a little curry. After cooking for so long the whole house smelled Amazing; even with the bedroom door closed I could smell the deciciousness in the kitchen and got really hungry. I ate my 5 bites at dinner time and was satisfied in the moment, but a part of me wanted to keep on eating. I didn't realize why, I just ignored it as best I could. Anyway, I had to catch up on some work last night and ended up drinking an energy drink, as I ended up working until 1am and not going to bed until 4. The energy drink kind of filled me up and I was super focused on work, but around midnight I got this crazy desire to just EAT. Then I went in the kitchen and realized why: my fiance was in the kitchen cooking up some awesome food and the house smelled deilcious again. I was so absorbed in my work that I didn't notice how good it smelled, but my stomach definitely noticed! So what I learned yesterday is that my appetite is more sensitive to the smell of food than I realized. I'll have to make sure that if I cook something with a very strong aroma I fill up on tons of water beforehand so I'm not as tempted. I also might start modifying the way I cook; rather than adding seasonings at the beginning of the cooking process I'll try cooking more bland and then season to taste once the food is already on my plate. Hopefully now that I've come to this realization things will be even easier for me.

Even though I take my measurements on Thursdays, I wanted to take the time this morning to track my progress. I'm SO PLEASED with this diet! Last Sunday I tried on a pair of shorts that I bough in September that I never got to wear because they are a size too small. I actually bought 4 pairs of these shorts in different colors with the intention of eventually fitting into them. Last Sunday they fit over my hips but were about two inches away from actually buttoning. This morning when I tried them on they actually buttoned and zipped! Now, I had a serious muffin top because they are still Very tight and I could never wear them out in public (YET), but the fact that I was able to button them where just seven days it wasn't even close was So inspiring! I'm hoping in a week or two they will fit me comfortably. If I was on any other diet it would have taken months to get them to fit. I also tried on a pair of jeans that are almost always tight on me. As I mentioned my weight fluctuated a lot and I could only fit into these jeans when I was 140 or lower. This morning they fit! They're still a little on the snug side, so from past experience I'm estimating my weight at 140. That puts me at a BMI of 22.5. I want to get down to a BMI of 18.5, which means I'll have to lose approxiamtely 26 more pounds. It sounds like a lot to me as a number, but looking at my body I can definitely see how I can afford to lose another 26 pounds. I'm not going to worry too much about weight now, but when I get down to the size and appearance that I'd like to be at I might very well invest in a scale just to help me fine-tune to reach and maintain that BMI. I'll see how my mindset is when I get there; if I feel that getting a scale will make me obsessed with weighing and numbers again it honestly won't even be worth it.

This morning I did my 3 miles of exercise and it felt really good. I'm happy I gave my knee two days of rest instead of just one, as I experienced no discomfort. Today I am really craving rice and beans, so I'll have 5 bites of that for lunch. Dinner has yet to be decided. I know I have to finish off those pop tarts before they go bad and I "should" have one for lunch, but I think that would just leave me feeling unsatisfied and that's a recipe for disaster. And that's what I love about the 5BD, I can eat whatever I want. That's what's keeping me on track, so that's what I'll do and I won't feel guilty about it as long as I stick to 5x5. So today is looking like it'll be another awesome day. I'll be back tomorrow for my daily update

-marie-

Yesterday was day 12 on the 5 bite diet, and though I did well as far as going through the motions it was the hardest day for me mentally. The food went fine, I had:

Breakfast: nothing
Lunch: 5 bites rice and beans with soy sauce + multivitamins
Dinner: 5 bites rice and beans with soy sauce

I know that sounds like a weird combination but it is SO good, especially since I added some extra garlic powder to it. My meals were tasty and satisfying, I exercised, took my vitamins, drank about 80 oz of water and another 16 oz of 0 calorie drinks- you'd think I'm doing perfectly. But I'm not. Mentally I am struggling with my self esteem and that's leading to a desire to revert back to old destructive eating habits. All I wanted to do was binge and purge yesterday. In the past I've used purging as a way to punish myself but the process was also very cathartic. I would stuff myself to the point I thought my stomach was going to rupture and it would hurt so bad, but as soon as I purged all the pain was gone. I was able to give my internal turmoil a physical manifestation and literally flush it down the drain. No, it's not healthy at all and luckily since those days I have developed positive and effective coping strategies that are helpful rather than harmful. I don't know why these thoughts are coming back to me now, but it's all I could think of yesterday. I know I'm making progress on this diet, I see it in the tape measure and in clothes, but I swear every morning when I look in the mirror I see myself as growing bigger and bigger and I feel like such an ugly failure. Rather than focusing on all the healthy changes I'm making I spent most of yesterday wallowing and revisiting old bulimic thoughts. I went on an eating disorder forum that I used to watch all the time and started reading posts about how horrible and destructive bulimia is hoping that would snap me out of it. Reading these other girls' stories reminded me of the lack of energy, the inability to concentrate, the chest pain and heart palpitations, the social isolation and lies and obession and all the other awful things I experienced at the height of my disordered eating (I hesitate to say "eating disorder" because although I met the diagnostic criteria I never shared what I was doing with my doctor so I was never officially diagnosed). You'd think reading about girls going to the hospital, spending thousands on dental care, hundreds a week on food- you'd think that would make me snap out of it but somehow it only increased my desire to binge and purge. I planned in my head all the things I would buy: Doritos and macaroni salad and frozen pizzas and cake and a big block of cheese and a fresh loaf of bread and ice cream and chocolate milk to wash it all down with and bring it all back up again. I wouldn't let myself go to the store primarily because we are on a tight budget and also because even though my fiance knows about my history of purging I would Never want him to know if I relapse. Then again, I've learned how to shop for the cheapest foods and have bought adequate amounts of binge food for less than $10, and now that I've been on the 5bd for a while I could probably get it down to $6-7 as I'm sure I wouldn't be able to consume as much as I used to. There's still the issue of hiding it but at my worst I used to lock myself in my office at work to have mini-binges on my lunch break and then I'd go purge in the bathroom before consulting my next client on how to lose weight the healthy way. Disgusting, I know. The thing is, I Never lost weight through binging and purging and in fact I always ended up gaining a significant amount from it, as you can never get it all back up no matter how hard you try, and when you binge on as many calories as I used to even 10-20% still in the system is more than enough to lead to quick weight gain. So please don't think this has been on my mind because I want to lose weight quicker; I am fully and painfully aware that if I go back down this road it will only negate all the progress I've made. I'm just hating myself right now and feel I'll never be good enough and I feel like I deserve to be punished. I was crying to my fiance last night and confessed that I feel the desire to binge and purge and he tried to reassure me by telling me I'm beautiful and my body is so attractive just the way it is and I'm doing so great on the 5 bite diet. While I valued those words and the logical part of my brain Knows it's true, it means absolutely nothing if I don't Feel and Believe it's true. Last night after our talk my fiance made his special seasoned french fries and he put exactly 5 bites worth into tupperware for me to eat today because he knows I love them and he wanted to treat me to something special without sabotaging my success. This morning before I worked out he asked what I was going to eat today and I said I didn't know yet. He wanted to know if I'd eat those fries for lunch and I said no. What about dinner? No. His face dropped and I know he felt so hurt because all he was trying to do was support me and he'd gone out of way and I returned the favor by seemingly not caring at all. I'm crying now just typing it, I feel SO BAD knowing that I've hurt his feelings, but how do I explain that if I ate those fries I know they're so good they'd push me over the edge and I would most likely end up bingeing and purging? How do I explain that his effort to help me stay on track and be better would actually just end with me hurting myself? I feel so incredibly selfish and I don't know what to do to make these thoughts go away. I do plan on staying on the 5 bite diet today but I swear I feel like mentally I'm slipping out of control and I'm So Afraid of going back to the place where I used to be. I'm sorry for the long vent, I'm not expecting any pity or even any replies for that matter, I guess I just needed to get that all out.

-marie-